Samantha Taylor 

In sorting mode

What i am trying to do now is work through sorting mode. I have tried so hard to work through my problems. I ask people am i okay? They say sure I think you are a bright person. :) Yes can be confirmed if asked to someone. Anyway, when you get inhabited to being in this little terrible world of large shadows hovering over you, you tend to break free by sorting through your thoughts and feelings. For an example, there's two things in a situation, a mountain which seems higher than you can possibly climb, and then theres a mole's hill which you can simply step over and complete your journey. So all this time, I began to think to myself, why am I the way i am? What's wronge with me? Am i sane? Am i insane? What? Is what i was thinking actually true? Then small things would happen to me, little things that seemed like total obstructions of justice. Things that weren't what they actually percieved to be or were they actually happening? :) Were they actually happening behind my back as i thought they were happening. Maybe if they were, they were for a reason. One thing that came out of the whole matter was that i actually broke free from something that had hammered at my mind for such a long time. It broke my heart and confused me at the same time. Things should not happen, but yet they do.
One thing remains true though, you should stay true to yourself, if you know what it is you want from life, things are confirmed to be true regardless of what anyone else thinks, you should try for them and not allow big mole hills break your stride.

Things

I right now let go of everything that's been bothering me. I don't know how to express letting go , it's something a dna trait that my mother has, and etc. Sometimes i have to just let go of things, let things that continue to eat away at me be released. Last night I released alot of things. I am terribly unaware of things. I know somehow in their own way people are trying to help me. Maybe i need some sort of information in order to help myself. Information that could give me some insight to the problems that i have and what i need to do about it.
I thought that I was getting somewhere, but I guess like i said last night, the world is a crazy place and yes i am crazy, but there are other things that are crazy too, like the fact of prayer, do i feel crazy for praying? doing reiki? no but maybe other people think that's insane and it does no good and maybe it's not right in their eyes. I have used it for a few months now and up to level 3 there's no right or wrong way to use it. but if you will look on christianreiki.com you will learn that other christians use it as well.
:) I am not using it for evil retarded purposes. I just want a better head. better life. People believe differently, and act differently from those who are around them. People pick up characteristics from others ideas from others. Like the other day when i went to the consignment shop with my artwork, i learned what i had done was called outsider folk art, i wanted to learn more about it so when i went looking on those sites on the internet, i realized that there were others that were having their work online too and it is in the same classification, i thought it was fauvism for awhile, but found that's actually southern outsider folk art. Perhaps someone else can think differently.
Critism. How do you deal with it? How do you keep others f rom blowing what you feel about yourself? I haven't figured it out. I know i have been through things. :( but when someone who doesn't like the way they look will throw you up against the wall and beat you to death if you don't realize that they aren't beautiful themselves and what they are saying about you and the way you look dont really count. I guess the only person that should be of judgement is God. God created every strand of our hair, our dna and our makeup. What we do to ourselves and let those around us do to us can make us feel inferior and ugly. When in anyone else's mind we aren't. Here's a senerio.
If a devil were to go into a church, everyone dressed nicely, and a bum from off the street were present, he were to bring up everything everyone had ever done in their lifetime, the bum would be without the fault of those who are hiding behind nice clothes and fixed hair and nails. If you actually took the time to get to know a filthy bum you might think he's a lovely person on the inside. Have you ever heard the words to phil collins song "paradise" Says about the same thing.
We can go through our life making huge mistakes, one after the other, the blunder, the aggrevation, the insanity, the filth, tumult, realizing something goods in the world, When I said before about born gifted I mean some people can speak, other people cant talk, the way u use your mouth is how others percieve you. we all embarrass oursevlves, some or just so totally embarrassed with themselves, they keep silent and their appearance makes people think they are something that they are not. Maybe I should speak up more often I speak to those who are closest to me.
Another thing, everyone's concerned about their security. Everyone can worry, worry, worry and worry til they are blue in the face. I am still worrying but feel as if worry is fading away. Maybe i am still worried i don't know. Theres something that remains true though,
Each of us have a personal obligation to do the best we can, when we do that we are safe, but when we don't we only cheat ourselves. Those who hurt other people have to face what they had done on judgement day, if you read the bible,and things around you then you realize that life is just for so long and when people go out of their way, everyone knows about it in the end. Maybe i am totally clueless, maybe i do know what i am saying.

moments of madness

I am sorry for my stupidness :) I just had to blow off steam best to tell some more bloggers about it than just to keep it to yourself right? :( Sorry I have to be put in compromising positions. :) Madness :) Am i insane? losing my mind? :) I hope that things can change over time. Maybe computer problems will cease and desist. :) Hope for sweet dreams. Goodnight, but it seems like they have been nightmares lately.

help? or invasion of privacy?

everyone has what they do online, but what if a person is stuck in a situation they don't want no part of any they just want to be left alone, yet it seems like games just being and people are left with this stupid sick feeling, sick nasty stupid feeling.
Sometime people don't hurt a soul, yet they don't understand what's going on, or why? Why is the invasion of privacy like this? My father says one thing, but something else has not yet been brought up to surface. I dunno, it's sick. sick twisted and disquisting. I want no part of it yet i always become a target, so what if i talk to someone online. it's no one's business but my own? is that so hard to digest? How wouldyou like your invasion of privacy done. Well? Rare? Sometimes we have no control over what is brought to dinner, we just have to take one bite at a time hoping that it will digest easily. Lies, hatefullness is something we have to live with til the day we die, but seriously, if you are dissatisfied with something in your life. Don't take it out on the one that bothers no one. Look deep within yourself and fix your own.
Yes i need help, i realize that, but there are more things i need to do and shouldn't be reesponsible for anyone elses problems but my own. I plan on trying on my own. Opening up more. I made an attempt to make peace

bugged :D

There's a little computer program on my hard drive, it replicates itself so i guess its a self replicating keylogger ;) or something. I wish i had a copy of a format.com log where i could show you how it starts. Perhaps i can give you some clue. :) It goes alot something like this. regular format.com don't perform in this manner:


Checking exsisting disk format
Recording bad sectors
Complete
Verifying 4,918.3m
Invalid media or Track 0 bad disk unusable
Format terminated

unawareness

There's an unawareness that fills the air, there are things that go untreated, no one says it to your face, it's always against the wall, they say it where you can hear it. Theyre people who are unaware of some of somethings that seem to be missed. Perhaps dddd is overrated. but dddd cannot be helped or changed. Its funny how someone won't say to someone oh you are so ugly retarded and etc. and i hate you and hope you rot in hell. but we all come from the same dna and god made us all who we are and we should cherish who we are and not make fun of anyone or else someone will turn around and say the same about us. :) amen? amen

Thoughts and such

You know the world is full of unique people who create things and bring things to life, there are others that make bombs explode in the pacific and those others who have done that and have hid in eight feet holes for months and months in fear that someone might catch them at their own game. Maybe one of these days kim jung il will get his as well as osama and hussain. cutting peoples hearts out taking what little their pride, starving them and smothering them, humiliating them, embarrassing them and creating as much tumult and havoc as they want to. Situations emotional situations and physical situations push people into saying things. Not oh the weathers fine and sunny i will say this to you. no when stormy and etc you know you love someone you say it and it's meant.

telling

I have been told alot of things about myself. Maybe my thoughts are alittle foggy. I know what's happening to me, i don't understand, but i am trying to live and learn and get luvs. But the fact that there are things that i will never do. I love my community of Red Hill Alabama, and love everyone around me, this is where i grew up, despite mistakes i have made, i love everyone here, and wouldn't want to change anyone. I used to be bitter and everything. :) I got to see some people the other day i hadn't seen in a long time ;) A friend of mine's aunt that raised her, and father to one of my classmates that just amazes me how well she has done. She married in highschool and graduated with a baby :D now she's well established. :)
Games maybe played for a reason, but you learn from them, you work within limits fighting screaming, kicking, and shoving, but in the end, kindness matters regardless of who said what or who you are or how much you have or whatever it is that youve done. You can't hide from who you are. You can cry victim til you are blue in the face, ahhhh! but when you genuinely think you care about someone you feel it deep within and the other person feels it as well. I guess thats the way it goes. Then r eality sets in and makes you think otherwise and people you come around make you think hey maybe that's just an emotional attachment. Is it?

Looks

There are people in this world, everyone looks different some people are short and round, some are tall and lean, some people are perfectionists, some people are sloppy, some people are emotional wrects always trying to figure it out, some people are never satistfied or happy with what they have, yet some people think they should have everything or take away what little someone else has if it isn't but worth ten cents. Dignity, embarrassment, harrassment, and everything else under the sun. :( Some people just try so hard, but they should realize that you can't change people, and people cant change you, but then you wake up you realize there's this crazy, but yet this beautiful world full of wonderful people, you make false accusations, you apologize from the deepest depths from your heart because you don't realize what's going on or why things are happening to you and why?????????? Why???? Because just like my sister in law said. The world is crazy, you can't change it, you can't change anything.
Ah but we are on the subjects of looks and cleanliness. Theres alot more disquisting things in this world that don't have to do with how you keep house or pets. It's about purity. Doesn't anyone care about purity anymore? Yes i am making a big mistake by getting on this subject but it brings peace to my heart to discuss it. Pureness doesn't have nothing to do with physical hygiene or mentality. Pureness is just pure. Impure thoughts are in everyones mind. But when you act out those impurities, when you break ethics and do impure things. That's nasty and disquisting. In all forms of laws regardless whether you are scientology, christian, any type of religion will tell you how impure that is. So as far as hygiene is concerned, you can keep yourself clean til you are blue in the face, but stds or any other vices of that matter is disquisting. To do the things people does to people such as crack jokes at ethnicity, laugh at someone else for something that's wrong with them, label them with these words, it just don't make sense.

emotional blackmail

why do all these t hings happen to me? why am i so retarded. Other people i live with and love believe me, and know how people are like, when you make a genuine effort, then feel railroaded. :( Maybe i am a certain way. I have feelings just like anyone else. I am progressing though, getting better, maybe in time will heal completely, so many mind games and selfish deciet is going on. I am tired of threats, blames, and all sorts of other stuff. Maybe it's just time that i crawl back in my hole and bury myself and let everyone else be happy.
But for once, why can't i be happy? :( and why can't i have happiness in my life? what's the use in trying to manipulate and hurt someone? You pay for it in the end and it's going to burn and hurt worse than you ever imagine. :( I am genuinely hurting inside from all this crazy mess. I dont' understand what it's all about. I just want to be myself live a peaceful life. I run my mouth a time or two but i am sorry for that i can apologize til i am blue in the face, but i cannot change who anyone else is, and i can't allow things to hurt me and stay inside and be buried. Patricia asked me, why don't u just write a letter, and tell them how you ffeel? What good would that do when it just makes amends worse?
I always wind up hurt no matter how hard i try. I guess it's just life and I have to live with it. MB if were just to join some kind of convent i would be in better shape. At least i would be in my own silent little world not causing any harm to anyone else, not trying to gain control or do whatever. So this is here and now. I am tired of foolish pettiness. I thought i had found love and he loved me back.
God knows what goes on behind closed doors, where things you couldn't believe your own family would do to you. Then try to hide the fact that you know deep within your heart what happened.