emotional blackmail
why do all these t hings happen to me? why am i so retarded. Other people i live with and love believe me, and know how people are like, when you make a genuine effort, then feel railroaded. :( Maybe i am a certain way. I have feelings just like anyone else. I am progressing though, getting better, maybe in time will heal completely, so many mind games and selfish deciet is going on. I am tired of threats, blames, and all sorts of other stuff. Maybe it's just time that i crawl back in my hole and bury myself and let everyone else be happy.
But for once, why can't i be happy? :( and why can't i have happiness in my life? what's the use in trying to manipulate and hurt someone? You pay for it in the end and it's going to burn and hurt worse than you ever imagine. :( I am genuinely hurting inside from all this crazy mess. I dont' understand what it's all about. I just want to be myself live a peaceful life. I run my mouth a time or two but i am sorry for that i can apologize til i am blue in the face, but i cannot change who anyone else is, and i can't allow things to hurt me and stay inside and be buried. Patricia asked me, why don't u just write a letter, and tell them how you ffeel? What good would that do when it just makes amends worse?
I always wind up hurt no matter how hard i try. I guess it's just life and I have to live with it. MB if were just to join some kind of convent i would be in better shape. At least i would be in my own silent little world not causing any harm to anyone else, not trying to gain control or do whatever. So this is here and now. I am tired of foolish pettiness. I thought i had found love and he loved me back.
God knows what goes on behind closed doors, where things you couldn't believe your own family would do to you. Then try to hide the fact that you know deep within your heart what happened.
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