Samantha Taylor 

new uses for a journalling notebook

Sunday, I planned on doing a painting for a contest or two and i went on the web to find the things i wanted to paint and sketched them roughly in pastel. They weren't too bad, I realized that it was a good way to keep track of those little critters that were going to be a painting.
Still getting a job though with art on the side. :) And hopefully, once i get going i won't feel so nutzo. :) or maybe everyone else will think i am nutzo. :) I guess i don't care. I still want to write, but sometimes you don't have a mind to do much as to tie your shoe ;) I hope that things get better

depression

Depression takes years away from your life and steals what little sanity, freedom, and heart and whatever else that's going on. :( If someone has been through a ten year state of it, they would understand how it's like :) Walk a mile in someone's shoes and you can see the road that theyve travelled. If you can't see, then you need glasses. :) LOL it took 10 years away from mine.

no means no :)

No means no, i didn't know how to use it , but now i am saying no to those who are trying to use situations against me. :) no i am not going to take it anymore. No i am no longer a pushover. :) i love family to death but no means nononononononono noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo! :) got to get away :) don't want no one using me :) so nooooo!

jobs

jobs make people feel worthwhile like they have a purpose in this world!!! :) That's the way i want to feel and i want to have purpose, if that's so wrong then God so be it.

again dumbfounded

:( It's retarded you don't want no thoughts of the subject. Lets just say that twisted and retarded things happen. It's not right, but yet it happens.

means of torture

Do ever feel like you are being tortured, but it's forcing you out of something? :) Regardless how bad things may seem, maybe there is a new day. One thing that's wrong with me is the fact that i am so pessimistic that i lose site of things, it's like this see-saw cycle. I am up and down, when cant someone just throw me into the air and let me fly. It would be better than going up and down.

lonely

i feel so darned lonely, sometimes i forget the one thing that seems to be there when nothing else is. God. :) I keep going on these little crying spells these little senseless things when i should be praying and asking God for his help. :( i feel stupid now.

not back to square one

crying isn't the end? Is it a step forward or back. I haven't been this way in a year or so i know, but i know it wasn't right being consumed with so many things. but i want my freedom, and i am willing to work for it, i don't want hand outs. I just don't know...except to just do. do things. Like right now i could be sweeping. :) I could be doing something, but what am i doing? I am stupid

helpless

Have you ever felt that you were totally helpless in a situation, but you know that there are certain ways for certain people, then again, not everything is handed to everyone. Things cant be the way they are for everyone i suppose. It just has to be done on your own, but just because your hands are tied doesn't mean that it's the end of the world, and sometimes it is important just to release whatever it maybe even if you have to cry like a baby. I squawled like a baby. :( I hope things will get better. I wish i could just totally release everything, but i know that you cant cry around people now, because they think you have alterior motives. It hurts when someone won't listen to you and feels you just want to constantly worry them. The way they act shows they dont give a darn.

freakola painting

I finished my flower painting yesterday tucking it away into a porfolio, it wound up being a mixture of watercolor and pastels. the shelf the flowers sat on and all it's contents was made of pastels and the above was all water color. Interesting hunh? :) I hope so. Maybe somehow my work can be seen. :) Also going back into other things as well. ;)))