Samantha Taylor 

That Christmas Day

I had been taking wellbutrin xl. I had been fighting for some sort of social change for awhile, everyone around me asked my mother, you know...Where's Samantha, what is she doing now? Is she okay? Through this period 96-05 I have tried to figure myself out...what in the hell is wrong with you? Why in the hell can't you connect with others? Then that paranoia. That's one thing that is wrong with you. Anyway, I hid the fact that I had been talking to that person, and yes I understand that I am messy, and that my mind has not been exactly right during this point in time, but that day, as I was going to my sister's trailer in opelika. I just couldn't grasp for air. I just couldn't seem to get it in, when I got to my sister's house, they had candles on all in the house, it was hard to fight to breathe, I looked across the room at my niece and told her that I couldn't breathe, I wasn't given a second thought. Anyway, throughout that time, we eat, after I get through eating, my niece asked me to go and play nintendo with her, I didn't exactly want to..there was that urgency to want to stay in the room with the adults. I heard Robin, Elizabeth, Patrick talking, I wanted to go in right away and find out what it was...I wasn't sure. All the way back home from my sister's house I had those breathing spells. I ask myself why these things are happening. I know i have had my share of problems, and I have had my share of difficulites, but things can be changed from my pov. Alot of the things that I have gone through can be stretched or put from another one's perspective, but God I hope through this whole situation something good can come out of it.
I am a smart woman, but I am a messy one, I have trouble connecting and throughout this whole ordeal I have tried to get out of it by myself, I just cannot. I think of all sides envolved, but some things just don't add up exactly right, perhaps the calculator has been out in the sun too long not in my snowflake but in many more.

when you lose the important years

When you lose those most important years of your life because you live in silence, live in complete silence keeping yourself from others, trying to cope and take everything in all at once, how do you respond when in this situation when you have nothing to shell out but all those terrible memories, and dealing with thet glass house theory. How do you respond...I admit, I am not sane, but every single thing that's come to past through perpetuation, nervousness, the fact that there is more to the situation from the other platform, all you can do is sit alone in silence and take it all in. Christ, I wonder if he's watching the situation, and there are some that don't care about christ in the situation, gain. Gain from what? A scared woman backed into a corner and do people feed off of that fear for fun and entertainment? It is entertaining to some. Let's give another scenerio, 10 yrs ago you met someone, you lost out on college, throughout this time, your sibling acts sketchy in so many ways, later on you see that person is seen at your brothers first wedding (97), then again at christmas in 98. In this time frame, your sister moves to the same town he lives in. 2001 you have extreme panic attacks one fine christmas day, then you begin talking to someone on the internet, it's him he perpetuates himself as another one, throughout this period of time.....throughout this whole period it's been a whole paranoia thing. Then one fine day, you are still that shaky nervous wreck that has been a see-saw throughout your lifetime, then this little game happens through the man, your sister and yourself, and yeah all youcan seem to do is cry. You don't have no clues as what to do. Maybe God knows and can straighten it out, and somehow there are those out there with more than you have, if that chance had been given to you...and that chance had been offered maybe you could fight the situation, but since you can't you might as well let it go on.

what would it feel like

You know, I just want to run this past you, Imagine this situation, just imagine it. How would you respond if you were in the same structure. Anyway, here's how it goes. What if you were cornered at all sides, someone put you behind a glass house and that glass house wasn't exactly intact and you were so damned depressed every action like going to the bathroom, and you realize you aren't a socialite and someone claims to do this to a woman to make her feel special. So what do you do? How are you supposed to respond in a situation? I am sorry for my attitude and for the situation, but think of this, what if in an unnerving period of depression and aggrevation, and etc. what if these things happened to you. What if your parents made an agreement with a man and your sister and that man spent a period of a few years driving you completely nuts. What if there was something you sensed about the situationj that wasn't exactly right, you knowingly have problems, and you try to deal with them the best way you can to do something about it. You ask yourself when you are stuck in this glass house, stuck with everyone watching you have either two choices, run to that someone that's a bit sketchy or do you stay in that glass house with everything monitored knowingly you have something in your ear bugging you as well as physiological problems. How do you knowingly do something about it when one side is just as terrifying as your psychological problems, how do you cope?
Paranoia is one thing, but when that paranoia comes to confront you later on it's like a fish trying to fight with no air to breathe or no one to put it back into the water.
There are several things that I would like to do in the situation, I want to call the chamber of commerce in that town, the probate office, and the sheriff's department and let them know what's going on. Money is the root of all evil and when people knowingly do this to another human being on purpose. Money's given to your father to do this to you, what do you do? you are thirty trying to pull out of it and have no resources to get out of it and you are terrified of the situation and things can be hidden, your big sister is the main culprit in the situation..she's the one who helps the one to do this. Everything that's on your mind or in your mind at the time has been shown to everyone around.

Another thing...then the situation is told to you that puts the icing on the cake, Im doing this to make you feel special

In this situation...how would you respond if you were thirty?

what would you do?

fake scenerios- :) how do you deal with them? You want to confront them head on and make peace with them so that it would be over and done with. Craziness...It's funny how fake scenerios were always a insignificant fear. Call it totally retarded. How do you confront stupidity. Do you do it head on? Do you fall into it and go from there? :) Insignificance.....does faith have a factor in the insignificance? Is there a way out of the situation? The woman has acted like a fool, she realizes that she is capable of a whole lot more than she is putting forth. She is just a social retard. How do you deal with it? Simply by asking...or simply by facing stupid stunts. BTW I would greatly appreciate any emails, any thoughts and any suggestions through my email address if anyone would like to comment it. The woman knows she's done no wrong and made restitution for the past flubs.

staylor29@inmail24.com

skanky loser

Anyway, I tried this a dozen times and I continued to get a expiration page. :) I volunteered today, I felt like such a retard, it was dissolutioning. Especially when you look back and see how far you have come in this stupid game that's being done. You feel like a lunatic, after all the bullshit forgive my french that you have been through through your lifetime and how much of a psycho that you have been in the crossfire, how everyone percieves the situation is what's dishardening. I wouldn't do this to anyone no matter what has happened. I know that my mouth has been somewhat harsh, I know that I have been somewhat of an ass, but life goes on. Some people are more on top of the situation than they need to be, and some of them just are in it to laugh at the stupid fool in her bare glory. Should she be pissed or should she just laugh and be done with it? She wants out, from the bloody beginning to the bloody end, she feels like picking up the phonebook he tossed outside of her mailbox and feels like calling him. Would it be right? She doesn't know. She feels in limbo. torn between two different things. Somethings have made her feel so pathetic, looking at her surroundings from point a to b she has felt that way. She truly needs help and being pathetic as she is she is asking for it. Knowing you have brains, you see what youve done and realize where in the hell was i? You still like the person that put you through the bullshit , why? You don't know....perhaps God can lend a fist in the situation. Anyway, keep me in your prayers. I need them more than ever... it's easier said than done when you have something stuck in your throught, shaking all over and have something in your chest...and get this..I am thirty. My downfall all my life has not been showing any weaknesses, but now. I have to let you know what I am feeling and how hard it is to keep going. Maybe physics and depression go hand in hand in some sense of the matter. keep skankwad in your prayers. :) Take care and have a nice day.. last will in testiment ;) 2003-05

staylor29@inmail24.com

Lunatic

Dont want to sound like a lunatic but I think the devil has gotten ahold of my blog site :) I think I know who they are :) I love you guys by the way. :) I think I am not angry about it it's been nice to be more open and hopefully the "man" will see to it that everything is straightened out. ;)
Thank you for those who have been so supportive of me and I am sorry that I have been such a pain in the ass. :) LIfe is supposed to be about living, not about dying from day to day, Yesterday I visited my sister in law and saw my nieces. I was thinking to myself what I have been missing out on for the last 10 yrs of my life. Life is so important, and if you sit at a stand still, nurse old wounds, and lose what humanity you had yrs ago, you tend to not see things clearly. Living is important and it's hard to do if you are too afraid to get out the damned door.

Btw this is the real samantha and plz keep me in your prayers. :) I love every single one of you who are reading.

depression

Sometimes it is hard to get up in the mornings let alone face the day knowing it's going to be the same as it was the day before and before that. Knowingly that loved one that has helped you out has made your days a little bit brighter eventhough the outlook seems a bit fearce. I suppose though it may look bleak it's actually more applicable than you think it is. Fear drives a person into acting a certain way, and after a number of years knowingly you have lived a certain way, knowingly certain situations aren't what they should be and how one should respond to those things, you cannot recreate the past, you can only wake up one day when you are years older and face life the best way you can. You know you can do things a certain way and that way isn't always the best and defensiveness doesn't help any matters when it comes to the point in your life when you are knoweledgable that you have to do something about it regardless of what you believe in, who you are interacting with and your community and whosover put what little bugs in your ears that have stuck with you for months. If you ask for something, make sure it's exactly what you want at the time, because if you don't they just might give it to you in such a way that you don't exactly want everyone will see exactly how you live your life, and it's embarrassing to face it exactly. Lethargy is a part of depression, those who are in your household don't know exactly how to handle what you are going through. I guess the key thing is don't be over critical, ignore the defenses along your path.

ugh

ugh

Brain Problems

brain screws you up if you don't stay active okay? okay...

By means of torture

Sometimes torture is the worst thing one can possibly do i hate it...it's like a porkchop being waved at a pit bull :) i need some sleep tonight dog kept me up all night and the fact i was hurting


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